Mmmm, dryer tea

So, weird landlord already knew I was sick. I went downstairs to do laundry and weird landlord wants to chat. I have no energy to fight it and somehow stumble through some laundry room chit-chat. As I’m putting my dirty clothes into the machine, weird landlord’s (disconcerting) sympathetic dead-fish gaze was upon me, accompanied by a smirk that sent an icy-cold chill coursing down my spine (definitely not from my cold). All this interspersed with a light peppering of his special weird landlord glances toward the ceiling!

Like my clothes, I wanted to be clean too so when I got back to my apartment I followed up with a shower in a turtleneck sweater and thick, grey jogging pants. (looking at weird landlord makes me wish there was no such thing as nudity) Hey, if I just shower like that from now on, no more need to visit the laundry room! 

I went back downstairs to put my clothes in the dryer. Guess what’s waiting for me on top of the dryer? A note along with a variety of teas. Why no picture you ask? Weird landlord walked into the laundry room before the door even swung closed and because he eavesdrops to hear when I’m back in the laundry room so he can either ‘coincidentally’ end up in the hallway as I walk through or find something he needs to do in the laundry room, aside from creeping me out. (he lives in an illegal suite right beside the laundry room which I think is actually a storage closet) I didn’t have my camera with me anyway. I should know better and always have it with me while venturing out into the hallways of Mackenzie Manor. Would’ve been a great picture to share with you.

The tea selection included echinacea and some type of mucous-drying blend. Lovely! However, I opted not to partake. I wish I could just see it as the nice gesture it was meant to be but somehow I can’t escape the images of him fondling the tea and having a conversation with it as he inserts something insidious into the package.

It’s laundry day again today. I wonder how long I could wear the same clothes without washing them?

Hot, fire extinguisher lovin’

Just what I need when I’m fighting a cold, hearing weird landlord in the hallway whistling and heavy breathing interspersed with some intense grunting.

So glad I have a peephole to provide a visual to accompany the disgusting symphony. (yes, I looked, ok?! I did it for all of you) He was sweeping the carpet, yes, sweeping it. Bending over, grunting, and sweeping the carpet. Kind of like a bend & snap, except a bend & grunt. There, are you happy now?

I suppose I should be grateful because it is better than what I imagined…him dry-humping the fire extinguisher.

The beautiful & deadly rent rings of planet September

Let’s count slowly back from 10 to 1, and I’d like you to think back to August and our first session of Highlighter hypnosis.

Now, let’s jump ahead. Notice how September’s rings are much bolder and reaching further than before? This is a clear indication of their deadliness. Apprehension builds as October looms.

Beware not to stare for longer than a few seconds into the beautiful and dangerously mesmerizing loops of highlighter.

Some call me brave, others call me crazy but it’s the steep price (which includes heat, hot water & parking!) I’m willing to pay to live here at Mackenzie Manor.

Notes on a sneeze

Out of deeply ingrained social etiquette, I asked how weird landlord was doing today.  Got a perfunctory ‘fine thank you’ which I was more than happy to depart with. Then he asked me how I was doing. I said “I think I’m getting a cold. Woke up with a sore throat today.” To which weird landlord gleefully replies, “Oh yes! I heard you sneeze a few days ago after you got of your car and had just closed your car door and I thought to myself ‘I wonder if Monique is getting a cold.’”

The thing is, I haven’t seen weird landlord in a couple of weeks, until today.

I know he keeps notes n’ stuff (‘Dear doorstop diary’ is a fine example) and he’s obviously a fan of signs. I’m now starting to wonder if there’s some other kind of a diary or stardate log.

September 13, 2010 @ 3:45pm – Monique backed her Jeep into her assigned parking stall approximately 3.2 millimeters away from the preferred parking position (add to her permanent record).  She sneezed once. I wonder if she’s getting a cold or a flu mayhap. I can check her discarded Kleenex I suppose but maybe I should just resume monitoring her garbage and recycling again to make sure she’s getting enough nutrients in her diet. I smell toast.

This site makes any lapses in witnessing his weirdness bittersweet because of my constant longing for something really juicily weird to share with all of you. Bittersweet until the moment I speak to him again and my skin begins to crawl, like today for example!

What the hell is wrong with me? I know better than to engage weird landlord in conversation. Better lay off the Neo Citran.

Grunted greetings

Walked up to the front of my building and, unfortunately, weird landlord was there holding some sort of vacuous staring vigil focused on a tree across the street.

I had a friend with me. As we approached, I forewarned him to not get eye contact with weird landlord as we walked by. I, however, feigned a weak (but hopefully passable) attempt at maintaining some kind of microscopically thin facade of normalcy by saying hello. Weird landlord’s reply? A grunt.
(hey, I tried right?)

Now, if you’ve read anything else here at My Weird Landlord, you may have an inkling of how horribly disturbing it would be to hear him, of all people, grunt.
I never want to hear him grunt, ever.

Grunting makes me think of terrible, unspeakable things. Why do I have to have an imagination at all? It really just serves to traumatize me.

On a positive note, maybe weird landlord can go get a part-time job as a ‘Walmart Grunter’ and go share his gift with the world.

“Which door?” the home game: Me-0, Weird Landlord-2

So far, I’ve scored an abysmal 0-2 for today’s “Which door?” game. I went out to grab lunch and, on my way out, saw him first, smelled him second (it’s usually reversed). My appetite took a huge nosedive.

Now, I don’t want to leave my apartment again. In this heat, weird landlord has added a potent and very disgusting smell into his weirdness arsenal (well, worse smelling than usual). Well played weird landlord, well played.

The unfortunate thing is that I don’t have any groceries and still need to eat dinner.

With today’s odds, a grocery trip could be deadly. I won’t have eaten which means I’ll probably buy too many groceries. Then, I’ll get home and he’ll be right there weirding around and I’ll be far too weak to carry all of my grocery bags up in one trip. Wily bastard.

A can of tomato paste and dill pickles for dinner. Mmmmmm.

Mackenzie Manor Muzak

If you hadn’t already guessed, this is my building’s official theme song.

Signs, signs, everywhere there’s signs
Blockin’ up the scenery, breakin’ my mind
Do this, don’t do that, can’t you read the sign?

Actually, weird landlord should really consider piping in a Muzak version of this song playing on a continuous loop. I bet he hears something like it in his head. (along with “he wants you too Malachi, he wants you too”)

Time to play “Which door?”

I left out the front door and, unfortunately, didn’t notice weird landlord was sitting out front on his little black stool until it was too late. Inwardly cringing, I smiled and swiftly walked past and defied my VERY strong urge to break into a full-out sprint & scream combo.  I stayed on the side of the street where he couldn’t watch me walk away for an entire block. The thought of his vacuous, dead-fish stare following me, looking up and down the back of my body and thinking whatever disgusting and unnatural things a freak like him thinks, was far too much to bear. It always is.

I regularly alter my routes of ingress and egress from my home based on weird landlord’s location. Another tenant or two and I play this game on an ongoing basis. Let’s say weird landlord is out doing the day-long manual lawnmower ritual; looks like I’ll be taking the side door and walking an extra block to avoid close proximity.

Or, oh no, I drive into the alley and see he’s beside the recycling bins doing something inane and somehow repulsive. *deep breath* Ok, so it looks like it’s time to carry 8 grocery bags up 6 flights of stairs in one trip again since I do not want to come back downstairs and have to fake not being totally creeped out. That is not in my rental contract. (remember to buy a book on power-lifting)

Highlighter hypnosis

Look at the circles, you are getting very sleepy.

I’m sorry but are you trying to tell us something weird landlord?

I miss the paper arrow he used to clip and pin onto the calendar every month. (yes, it was pointing to the 1st! good guess) Maybe it’ll make a return? I have a strong feeling it’s sitting on a shelf with an unopened package of highlighters, a 7-11 coffee cup missing its lid, toenail clippings, one of his grade 4 spelling tests and a back-up lint bag.

I’m so grateful for my vivid imagination and photographic memory. G’night!
(toenail clippings? ick, why say that? ok, where’s my Ambien & Jack Daniels?)

Dear doorstop diary

Looks pretty ‘weird landlord’ normal at first glance, right?

The usual, clearly laid out instructions.

A thank you and the trademark smiley face.
A line to make sure you don’t get the two mixed up.

No message on the back (yet) but the line continues quite nicely all the way over.

I was full of glee when I saw the doorstop at first. Then, was flipping it around to take pictures of what I already found to be highly entertaining and voila…

…what might be the first doorstop diary entry ever in history.
(mouse over the pics for some additional commentary!)

Can’t stop singing “Let’s all go to the lobby, with a doorstop from the laundry”
to this…

…and now the tune will be wedged in your head too! You are welcome.