Hot, fire extinguisher lovin’

Just what I need when I’m fighting a cold, hearing weird landlord in the hallway whistling and heavy breathing interspersed with some intense grunting.

So glad I have a peephole to provide a visual to accompany the disgusting symphony. (yes, I looked, ok?! I did it for all of you) He was sweeping the carpet, yes, sweeping it. Bending over, grunting, and sweeping the carpet. Kind of like a bend & snap, except a bend & grunt. There, are you happy now?

I suppose I should be grateful because it is better than what I imagined…him dry-humping the fire extinguisher.

The beautiful & deadly rent rings of planet September

Let’s count slowly back from 10 to 1, and I’d like you to think back to August and our first session of Highlighter hypnosis.

Now, let’s jump ahead. Notice how September’s rings are much bolder and reaching further than before? This is a clear indication of their deadliness. Apprehension builds as October looms.

Beware not to stare for longer than a few seconds into the beautiful and dangerously mesmerizing loops of highlighter.

Some call me brave, others call me crazy but it’s the steep price (which includes heat, hot water & parking!) I’m willing to pay to live here at Mackenzie Manor.

Dog screamer-er

Just found out from the nice landlord, in the very well-kept (and super expensive) building across the street, that apparently my weird landlord is not a fan of dogs.

In fact, full-on dog-hatred sounds more accurate. Nice landlord witnessed weird landlord standing on the sidewalk, maniacally screeching at the top of his lungs, telling a little dog to f*ck off. Ok, I will admit some little dogs can be a**holes but c’mon, yelling at a dog? *grrrrr*

Not cool weird landlord, not cool at all. You truly are a freak amongst freaks.
And here I was worried the weirdness might run out. As if.

Mackenzie Manor Muzak

If you hadn’t already guessed, this is my building’s official theme song.

Signs, signs, everywhere there’s signs
Blockin’ up the scenery, breakin’ my mind
Do this, don’t do that, can’t you read the sign?

Actually, weird landlord should really consider piping in a Muzak version of this song playing on a continuous loop. I bet he hears something like it in his head. (along with “he wants you too Malachi, he wants you too”)

Time to play “Which door?”

I left out the front door and, unfortunately, didn’t notice weird landlord was sitting out front on his little black stool until it was too late. Inwardly cringing, I smiled and swiftly walked past and defied my VERY strong urge to break into a full-out sprint & scream combo.  I stayed on the side of the street where he couldn’t watch me walk away for an entire block. The thought of his vacuous, dead-fish stare following me, looking up and down the back of my body and thinking whatever disgusting and unnatural things a freak like him thinks, was far too much to bear. It always is.

I regularly alter my routes of ingress and egress from my home based on weird landlord’s location. Another tenant or two and I play this game on an ongoing basis. Let’s say weird landlord is out doing the day-long manual lawnmower ritual; looks like I’ll be taking the side door and walking an extra block to avoid close proximity.

Or, oh no, I drive into the alley and see he’s beside the recycling bins doing something inane and somehow repulsive. *deep breath* Ok, so it looks like it’s time to carry 8 grocery bags up 6 flights of stairs in one trip again since I do not want to come back downstairs and have to fake not being totally creeped out. That is not in my rental contract. (remember to buy a book on power-lifting)

Highlighter hypnosis

Look at the circles, you are getting very sleepy.

I’m sorry but are you trying to tell us something weird landlord?

I miss the paper arrow he used to clip and pin onto the calendar every month. (yes, it was pointing to the 1st! good guess) Maybe it’ll make a return? I have a strong feeling it’s sitting on a shelf with an unopened package of highlighters, a 7-11 coffee cup missing its lid, toenail clippings, one of his grade 4 spelling tests and a back-up lint bag.

I’m so grateful for my vivid imagination and photographic memory. G’night!
(toenail clippings? ick, why say that? ok, where’s my Ambien & Jack Daniels?)

Dear doorstop diary

Looks pretty ‘weird landlord’ normal at first glance, right?

The usual, clearly laid out instructions.

A thank you and the trademark smiley face.
A line to make sure you don’t get the two mixed up.

No message on the back (yet) but the line continues quite nicely all the way over.

I was full of glee when I saw the doorstop at first. Then, was flipping it around to take pictures of what I already found to be highly entertaining and voila…

…what might be the first doorstop diary entry ever in history.
(mouse over the pics for some additional commentary!)

Can’t stop singing “Let’s all go to the lobby, with a doorstop from the laundry”
to this…

…and now the tune will be wedged in your head too! You are welcome.

More weirdos out there?

Would love to hear and see your weird landlord experiences too.
Stop by submissions and send in your landlord oddities.

Oh, please tell me I’m not alone.

Don’t know how to recycle? Read this!

I think this one needs more highlighter and happy faces.

Notice how the middle happy faces (2 top & 2 bottom!) have been coloured yellow to show they are just slightly happier than the other 24 happy faces.