The other day, I walked by what must be weird landlord’s bathroom window and believe I may have heard him showering. This made me feel very unclean and uncomfortable and the feeling has lingered.
I think while hearing the water splashing on what I can only assume was his nude body *I just wretched now* that somehow something came unhinged in my now fragile psyche and will never be the same.
Just what I need when I’m fighting a cold, hearing weird landlord in the hallway whistling and heavy breathing interspersed with some intense grunting.
So glad I have a peephole to provide a visual to accompany the disgusting symphony. (yes, I looked, ok?! I did it for all of you) He was sweeping the carpet, yes, sweeping it. Bending over, grunting, and sweeping the carpet. Kind of like a bend & snap, except a bend & grunt. There, are you happy now?
I suppose I should be grateful because it is better than what I imagined…him dry-humping the fire extinguisher.
Let’s count slowly back from 10 to 1, and I’d like you to think back to August and our first session of Highlighter hypnosis.
Now, let’s jump ahead. Notice how September’s rings are much bolder and reaching further than before? This is a clear indication of their deadliness. Apprehension builds as October looms.
Beware not to stare for longer than a few seconds into the beautiful and dangerously mesmerizing loops of highlighter.
Some call me brave, others call me crazy but it’s the steep price (which includes heat, hot water & parking!) I’m willing to pay to live here at Mackenzie Manor.
Out of deeply ingrained social etiquette, I asked how weird landlord was doing today. Got a perfunctory ‘fine thank you’ which I was more than happy to depart with. Then he asked me how I was doing. I said “I think I’m getting a cold. Woke up with a sore throat today.” To which weird landlord gleefully replies, “Oh yes! I heard you sneeze a few days ago after you got of your car and had just closed your car door and I thought to myself ‘I wonder if Monique is getting a cold.’”
The thing is, I haven’t seen weird landlord in a couple of weeks, until today.
I know he keeps notes n’ stuff (‘Dear doorstop diary’ is a fine example) and he’s obviously a fan of signs. I’m now starting to wonder if there’s some other kind of a diary or stardate log.
September 13, 2010 @ 3:45pm – Monique backed her Jeep into her assigned parking stall approximately 3.2 millimeters away from the preferred parking position (add to her permanent record). She sneezed once. I wonder if she’s getting a cold or a flu mayhap. I can check her discarded Kleenex I suppose but maybe I should just resume monitoring her garbage and recycling again to make sure she’s getting enough nutrients in her diet. I smell toast.
This site makes any lapses in witnessing his weirdness bittersweet because of my constant longing for something really juicily weird to share with all of you. Bittersweet until the moment I speak to him again and my skin begins to crawl, like today for example!
What the hell is wrong with me? I know better than to engage weird landlord in conversation. Better lay off the Neo Citran.
Walked up to the front of my building and, unfortunately, weird landlord was there holding some sort of vacuous staring vigil focused on a tree across the street.
I had a friend with me. As we approached, I forewarned him to not get eye contact with weird landlord as we walked by. I, however, feigned a weak (but hopefully passable) attempt at maintaining some kind of microscopically thin facade of normalcy by saying hello. Weird landlord’s reply? A grunt.
(hey, I tried right?)
Now, if you’ve read anything else here at My Weird Landlord, you may have an inkling of how horribly disturbing it would be to hear him, of all people, grunt.
I never want to hear him grunt, ever.
Grunting makes me think of terrible, unspeakable things. Why do I have to have an imagination at all? It really just serves to traumatize me.
On a positive note, maybe weird landlord can go get a part-time job as a ‘Walmart Grunter’ and go share his gift with the world.
A weird landlord doth creepeth about. I think a tenant put this sign up to make sure Mackenzie Manor visitors know what they’re getting themselves into.
Don’t be too alarmed but we will need you to sign a waiver.
Just found out from the nice landlord, in the very well-kept (and super expensive) building across the street, that apparently my weird landlord is not a fan of dogs.
In fact, full-on dog-hatred sounds more accurate. Nice landlord witnessed weird landlord standing on the sidewalk, maniacally screeching at the top of his lungs, telling a little dog to f*ck off. Ok, I will admit some little dogs can be a**holes but c’mon, yelling at a dog? *grrrrr*
Not cool weird landlord, not cool at all. You truly are a freak amongst freaks.
And here I was worried the weirdness might run out. As if.
So far, I’ve scored an abysmal 0-2 for today’s “Which door?” game. I went out to grab lunch and, on my way out, saw him first, smelled him second (it’s usually reversed). My appetite took a huge nosedive.
Now, I don’t want to leave my apartment again. In this heat, weird landlord has added a potent and very disgusting smell into his weirdness arsenal (well, worse smelling than usual). Well played weird landlord, well played.
The unfortunate thing is that I don’t have any groceries and still need to eat dinner.
With today’s odds, a grocery trip could be deadly. I won’t have eaten which means I’ll probably buy too many groceries. Then, I’ll get home and he’ll be right there weirding around and I’ll be far too weak to carry all of my grocery bags up in one trip. Wily bastard.
A can of tomato paste and dill pickles for dinner. Mmmmmm.
If you hadn’t already guessed, this is my building’s official theme song.
Signs, signs, everywhere there’s signs
Blockin’ up the scenery, breakin’ my mind
Do this, don’t do that, can’t you read the sign?
Actually, weird landlord should really consider piping in a Muzak version of this song playing on a continuous loop. I bet he hears something like it in his head. (along with “he wants you too Malachi, he wants you too”)
You can be a tenant in the comfy MWL FB Pad.
It's easy to apply. No appointment necessary. Just pop by and click like. My Weird Landlord is always in. Cheap rent, no references needed and pets are always welcome.
Monique Hurteau